Be Satisfied

My older sister shared with me an experience that resonated with me. She had just taken her kids for family photos, and was trying to get expressions, clothing, hairstyles correct for the best possible shot. Her oldest son,Caleb, looked at her and urged, "Be satisfied, Mom." It caused her to take a step back and enjoy what was, letting it be enough.
Tomorrow is our family's professional photo session, and I can already feel my tension rising to get just the shot, with just the right combination of outfits and expressions, to present just the "right" image. It's fine to want it to go well, but I am determined to not get in a wad over it and wear out my family along with myself.
Our neighbors recently moved away into an expansive home they had just finished building, in an upscale neighborhood. After a year of planning, designing, building and moving in to their "dream home," they are already saying it is not all that they hoped and they would just as soon sell it and start over.
There is a point at which all of our souls would do well to receive Caleb's counsel: Be satisfied.

Thirty Five

I am now a thirty five year-old woman. I have three children, 4, 6, and 8. I parent, serve and laugh alongside my visionary husband and pastor. I teach ESL part-time. I volunteer at my kids' school. I am facilitating a small group for women called "Quieting a Noisy Soul." I am participating in a transformative women's Bible study titled "Believing God." I have a partner in Scripture memory. I am available to women to talk through issues and pray together. I help lead worship each Sunday, and teach 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders for Sunday school. I get out and meet moms for coffee each Wednesday night at Starbucks. I've rediscovered my love for great books, tennis and writing. I'm planning on kayak fishing more with my husband this year. I'm working out three times a week. I just got my braces off. I love sushi.
You know what? I am happy.
The remarkable thing about this, is that, I have had favorable life circumstances in the past, and been unable to access contentment in the midst of them. My mind was fixated upon what could or should be better, what might just happen next, how I'd better enjoy this now because it was too good to be true, and how I didn't deserve all this and had better feel guilty for having it.

The core of the Quieting the Noisy Soul study has been "My soul can rest, because God Himself is more than enough for me." It gives me the assurance, that when trials come, and they will, the bottom will hold, because of Who holds me. That assurance frees me to savor the now, while not shrinking from the future. Of course, I'll have to update this as we're tested. I'll keep you posted.

The Mommy Wars

There are so many questions mothers are riddled by. Behind each dilemma: breastfeed or formula with DHEA, bouncy seat or baby sling, parent-set schedule or baby led routine, being a stay-at-home mom, or a working mom, disposable or cloth, homemade or store-bought baby food, is the plaguing question of what this decisions says about me as a mother, whether other moms will pass judgement upon me for doing this or not doing that, or whether my children will be served or suffer from my efforts.

Evidently, the debates can become quite nasty. It's understandable, really, considering all that we consider to be at stake.

Then there are the questions of how to educate your children, how much to shelter them, what forms of media to allow.....

Fulfilled Prophecy

"Enjoy these years. They go fast."
How many times have I heard this sage wisdom, and thought, "Yeah right, it's only 10 am and lunch/ nap time is light years away." Or, "There is a reason people have to be told to enjoy these years. They were too fatigued to enjoy them themselves."
Now, sure enough, my youngest is nearly four, and every piece of baby furniture has been donated and even the half-pack of pull-ups given away. In a way, it did go fast.
I hope I can always enjoy the stage our kids are in now, enjoying memories of how they got to where they are today, and anticipating the future, but mostly soaking in who they are now.

Words from a Friend's Heart

My friend Maggie sent me this uplifting email, and I got her permission to post it here:

"I've been thinking a lot about you and your blog and your struggle with comparing yourself to others. I can identify with that in many areas. It's so easy to feel you have to live up to whatever anyone else is capable of. We've got to remember, though, that we rarely know all that's going on in the lives of those other moms, and we also forget to take into account their gifting (type "A," gift of administration, etc.) and situation in life (older children who can help with maintaining order, for example, instead of creating chaos). For example, it's easy for me to read a homeschooling mom's blog and see that she homeschools eight kids, maintains a fabulous blog, sings in her church choir, and runs a soup kitchen on the side. What I don't see is the grime in the corners of her house, the often late bedtimes of her children, her tendency to yell when stressed, and the way she looks every day (which looks nothing like the picture she posted on her blog, which includes makeup, styled hair, and a thinner face). I know this because I've done it myself. My blog is a carefully constructed pieced together view of the "me" I want to be, not necessarily the "me" I am day in and day out. Sometimes it makes me want to keep hiding the real me...the me who struggles to overcome bad habits (far more than I realized I had before having children), stay focused on the Lord, and have a personal life (which so often feels like it's slipping away as a homeschooling mom). I can be all those things on my blog. I know that if I feel that way, LOTS and LOTS of blogging moms feel the same. So don't be too discouraged; most of those awesome moms are likely just like you and me...maybe even less impressive and less intimidating if we were to meet them and get to know them in real life. "

"To look at it from an entirely different angle, imagine with me for a moment that they all ARE as amazing and on top of life as they seem. Who cares? When I root my confidence in Christ it doesn't matter what THEY are doing, only whether I am doing what He's asked ME to do. I may be one of those people who is less gifted than others who seem capable of multi-tasking unimaginable amounts. For example: I have a wonderful friend who is GIFTED in administration. She has a 6 year old, a 3 year old, and a new infant, an ER physician for a husband (with a complicated work schedule that changes all the time and sometimes includes night shifts), a hopping social life (includes involvement and outreach in her community as well as hosting events at her home), frequent traveling by plane to visit relatives and take vacations, a very deep and passionate love for the Lord...and she never forgets a birthday. In addition to that, she majored in BioChemistry and Intercultural Studies (double major), is a helicopter pilot, a phlebotomist, former Human Resources Director, always reads the news from several different sources online so she can get the "true" picture instead of a one-sided perspective of world affairs, Director of a program to train parents of severly disabled kids (so they'd be better equipped to meet their needs), has traveled all over the world to multiple countries, and has had dinner with Shaquille O'Neal and a group of his friends (and didn't even know he was a famous basketball player at the time). And to top it all off, she hacked a BLACK MOMBA (the deadliest snake in Africa) in half to protect the men on her team. "

"I am not kidding."

"So you can see I have even more reason to feel discouraged than you do. I can never, NEVER measure up to her. ...Mostly I can never measure up to her beautiful, God-loving spirit that gives generously and wisely all the time. I am so humbled to be her friend. "

"I also feel this way about YOU."

"So please don't ever let yourself sink into a slough of despond about this. I don't care WHAT your house looks like, how many activities you can juggle successfully, or whether you yell at your kids in weak moments. I need you in my life JUST AS YOU ARE and think you are one of the most beautiful friends God has given me. "

"God has made each of us exactly who He wants us to be, with intentional design that allows us to minster exactly where He puts us. Even the things we think would make us more effective and efficient might only get in the way of ministering to someone who needs us just as we are. I have been startled to find this true in my life as He minsters most richly to people through my ugliest, weakest parts.
You have been SO significant in my life in shaping me toward Christ. Don't let yourself believe the enemy's lies and talk you into a discouraged frame of mind. God is in charge of you, and He is constantly using you, even when you feel most useless and gross. I think that's a miraculous part of His genius plan to shine through us and get all the glory. "

This means a lot to me, and I hope it ministers to you as well. Let's let God use us as is.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

Most of the time when these three phrases dominate my thinking, I end up in a morose and regret -filled frame of mind.
" I should have been more available to that person to talk when they needed me." "I could have maximized my college experience more." " I should have left on time, and I'd have missed all this traffic." " If only I had gotten my 3rd child professionally photographed at 3 months like the other two." Usually there is an unseen barb underneath these seemingly benign statements: judgements of myself as an unavailable friend, irresponsible planner, even unworthy mother. They also leave me fixated on what is undone or poorly done. No wonder they leave me in a funk!

The book, Feeling Good: the new mood therapy, by David Burns, is reminding me to replace should commands with more balanced statements. Letting the shoulds dictate is, in his words, "a shouldy way to live." He recommends replacing my rigid commands beginning with should, ought, must, have to, with more flexible and accurate statements of preference and acceptance. We are not talking about clear moral issues here, as outlined in Scripture, but the various choices and pieces of daily life which are neither black nor white, but which the inner tyrant can turn into a pass or fail scenario.

So, my goal is to eliminate as many shoulds from my thinking as possible. They pop up throughout any given day, so I'm getting plenty of practice replacing the demanding shoulds with alternative statements.

So for a rewrite of the above thoughts: "It might have been nice to be available to that person when they needed me, but I had nothing left to give at that point, and there will be plenty of other opportunities" (I'm not a failure as a friend, just a person with human limitations and normal needs for refreshment). "Oh well, traffic isn't my fav, but here I am." (Having left late just now does not equal a disaster, nor does it make me a perpetually late person). "Maybe a different major would have been more useful but that training was formative to who I am and I accomplished some great things." (The time and resources were not wasted just because it wasn't perfect- nothing is, but that doesn't keep it from being beautiful). "It'd be fun to have all three of the kids' studio baby shots lined up and framed, but I have plenty of candid shots that are sweet, and will do just fine." (Not having had a photo shoot with my 3rd born at 3 months doesn't mean I've failed as a mom or shown blatant favoritism to the first two. Life just gets more interesting with each child, and mandates change!)
There is no personal assault when I evaluate life in a more measured way - going light on the shoulda, coulda, wouldas.

Coveters Anonymous

I'm coming through a season of fixating on owning other people's houses.
It began last summer, when our neighbors put their 2 story home of 40 years on the market. They'd always let the kids and I play in their backyard (we have our own, but it felt like more of an outing to play in theirs, and they had a trampoline), so we already loved the place. On a whim, I threw out, "Maybe the church could buy it. They have money in investments!" The owners got as excited about the prospect as we did. I had already begun to muse about all the gatherings we could host in the spacious outside kitchen and backyard, all the space we'd have to host our visiting family, and how much fun it would be to spread out in the historic, sprawling home. We came back to earth two weeks later, when we realized it was too great of an expense to ask the church to make on our behalf, that energy costs would be high, and that it would require extensive rennovation.
I thought I had let it go, until recently when I got a tour of the home by it's new owners, a young family of photographers. As we walked through freshly painted rooms, and I heard of their elaborate plans, I felt myself inwardly twisting/wishing/ bemoaning a "loss" of something which was never intended for us. Pangs of missed opportunity and wanting what they had, hit me.
Why was it hard to let go of something which was never ours? Because of whatowning that house represented to me. Then I realized that the abilty to host gatherings, have bbqs, be the hang out place for the kids' friends was not contingent on us getting that or any other house. It could happen just as well here. We can live into and live out our call now - as is.
Test #2 came when I realized my friend was moving out of the country, and selling their spacious home with pool, patio, large yard and guest house. After feeling sadness at the reality of having my close friend move away, I shifted to ruminating on how to get the church to buy the place for us. And then my thoughts moved to their lovely furniture, and what they might need to leave behind, and where we would be able to use it. Thankfully, I acted on none of this, and just talked and prayed it through with Bill and close friends, knowing it was something I needed to relinquish. God is freeing me from fascinating over all that should've/could've been mine, and to focus on the relationships and being a faithful witness.
This 3 br home felt palacial when we moved in 8 years ago. Since then, the kitchen and bath have been renovated and a security system put in. We have all that we need and more. As long as we keep tabs on the amount of stuff mounting within our walls, we can live, love and serve from here, beyond comfortably. Simplicity in itself is a blessed relief. More stuff brings greater complexity and obligation.
When I was wrestling through all of this with God, he pointed me to I Timothy 6:6
"But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that."
We already have abundantly beyond what we could ask or think.
Forgive me Father, for being so quick to look for more and "better".

Something Else

The ordeal goes something like this. "Mommy, can I have something to eat?" asks Benjamin. "Sure, hon. How about some yogurt?"
"I want something else." I offer peanut butter on a spoon, a banana, a cheese stick. Each time he responds, "No, something else." My son knows he wants something, and he knows that whatever is offered is not it, but he can't say what that something is.
The only thing he seems to know about what he so adamantly wants is that it is something else.
Sometimes I find myself in a similar state of unwillingness to be appeased, or satisfied with whatever is available. "Something else," I decree. If it's insufferable in a still-cute three year old, it is even more so in a grown woman.

Out with the neggies

It's fun to hear men celebrating a fish caught, a home run hit. They tell the story in full color, with great animation. Each one has their own story to share, in turn, or sometimes without waiting. We roll our eyes at times, saying it's male boasting, but it is refreshingly honest. They commiserate about the one that got away, or glory together in the catch that was made, and are ever-ready to outdo the other, but all in good fun.

It's rare to see women entering into this kind of collaborative celebration. "The event I planned was amazing!! Everyone I invited came and brought a friend! - I tried the best recipe the other night, it's a real winner, in fact, I think I'd like to publish my own recipe book! - My children have been extraordinarily obedient lately. It is really coming together! - On hearing this kind of commentary, one would hear, or expect to hear, "WELL. She seems to think she's got it all together." In order to avoid giving off that seemingly prideful impression, or maybe out of a lack of other things to converse over, women seem to focus on the negative aspects of life, we feel others will have in common. The commiserating goes something like this: " My husband is the worst slug-a-bed....the other day he..." or " you won't believe what the kids pulled on me in the store the other day, " or, "wait til you hear MY m-in-law story!!" or "Isn't Walmart the worst place on earth...", " I haven't been to the gym in years. Just look at these thighs."
As believers, we are called to, Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn: not bemoan with those who bemoan. True, no one wants to be around Sally Perfect, but if one is unafraid to share a blessing or an accomplishment, eager to celebrate with another rather than fearing what people would think, we'd all have a bigger dose of contentment and gratitude, so needed in daily life.

Simplicity

Simplicity is arranging life around a few consistent purposes

and excluding what is not necessary.

Dallas Willard

Dealing

" Deal with what is, not with what we want to be . . .

because then, we spend effort on what isn't.

-Hugh Prather