Most of the time when these three phrases dominate my thinking, I end up in a morose and regret -filled frame of mind.
" I should have been more available to that person to talk when they needed me." "I could have maximized my college experience more." " I should have left on time, and I'd have missed all this traffic." " If only I had gotten my 3rd child professionally photographed at 3 months like the other two." Usually there is an unseen barb underneath these seemingly benign statements: judgements of myself as an unavailable friend, irresponsible planner, even unworthy mother. They also leave me fixated on what is undone or poorly done. No wonder they leave me in a funk!
The book, Feeling Good: the new mood therapy, by David Burns, is reminding me to replace should commands with more balanced statements. Letting the shoulds dictate is, in his words, "a shouldy way to live." He recommends replacing my rigid commands beginning with should, ought, must, have to, with more flexible and accurate statements of preference and acceptance. We are not talking about clear moral issues here, as outlined in Scripture, but the various choices and pieces of daily life which are neither black nor white, but which the inner tyrant can turn into a pass or fail scenario.
So, my goal is to eliminate as many shoulds from my thinking as possible. They pop up throughout any given day, so I'm getting plenty of practice replacing the demanding shoulds with alternative statements.
So for a rewrite of the above thoughts: "It might have been nice to be available to that person when they needed me, but I had nothing left to give at that point, and there will be plenty of other opportunities" (I'm not a failure as a friend, just a person with human limitations and normal needs for refreshment). "Oh well, traffic isn't my fav, but here I am." (Having left late just now does not equal a disaster, nor does it make me a perpetually late person). "Maybe a different major would have been more useful but that training was formative to who I am and I accomplished some great things." (The time and resources were not wasted just because it wasn't perfect- nothing is, but that doesn't keep it from being beautiful). "It'd be fun to have all three of the kids' studio baby shots lined up and framed, but I have plenty of candid shots that are sweet, and will do just fine." (Not having had a photo shoot with my 3rd born at 3 months doesn't mean I've failed as a mom or shown blatant favoritism to the first two. Life just gets more interesting with each child, and mandates change!)
There is no personal assault when I evaluate life in a more measured way - going light on the shoulda, coulda, wouldas.
2 comments:
I like this thinking! It reminds me a little of a friend who was taught to always use the "What now?" question. Instead of dwelling on regrets, ask: what now? "I didn't have that picture taken... what now? I didn't get to chat with that friend... what now?"
In other words, where do I go from here? because there is no use in looking backward at what I didn't do well... More present-looking, I guess.
I like that, what now...? It helps get to the bottom line of what's nagging at me. Or, "so what? Does this change my identity in Christ in the least?" Looking backward leaves me only to bump into things in the here and now.
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